Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I'm On Crack! Er --- I mean, A PODCAST!

Yeah, ignore that title. I'm not on crack. Unless you got some....

My segment with The Surreal Grotesque Podcast just went up. And it's a grand ol' time, if I do say so myself, which I suppose I just said, so that's kind of redundant. ANYWAY, this is a wonderful podcast with lots of interesting bizarro authors so CHECK IT OUT:

Listen or Download Here

Let the smooth sounds of my voice satisfy your ear pussies.

And a BIG thank you to Jeremy Maddux for having me on the show. That dude deserves a medal or something for doing what he does. I'd give him one, but I'm a fuckin' author. I don't have any money.

Enjoy kiddos.

~ Danger!

Saturday, December 7, 2013

JUNK Baby!

My Dearest Danger Lovers ~

Get your ass over to Amazon right now and pick up JUNK, a little ebook collection of fucked-up, funny stories INCLUDING one by your favorite author in the known universe, ME!

My contribution is called PROM NIGHT. It takes place on prom night. And things go somewhat wrong for ugly teenager Penny Wilkinson, who's date has stood her up. As she suffers through the 5 stages of grief, things start to get weird. Like, weird weird. Read it and find out.

Seriously, dude. The ebook costs ninety-nine fucking cents. And you get 8 stories. This isn't about making money for us. It's about giving you some funny fucking fiction. Go buy a copy, fool!


We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already in progress.

~ Danger!

Monday, August 12, 2013

Books, Beer and Bullshit Podcast Interview!

Greeting out there in Internetland!

I'm pleased to let you all know that my interview with the Books, Beer and Bullshit Podcast just went up! In addition to DangerRAMA, come listen to us discuss the lighter side of fast food franchising, Norwegian nomenclature and having sex with your own body parts.

This is a consistently hilarious show and I'm really, really glad they invited me to be a part of it.


And follow BB&B here and on Facebook.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming,


Sunday, July 7, 2013

DangerRAMA is OUT NOW!!!

That's right, kiddos!

My new book DangerRAMA is officially out and available for your purchasing pleasure! Three silly-ass novellas that are guaranteed to make you laugh, cry, vomit, lactate, become smarter and better looking, contemplate life, grow 6 inches taller, and secrete a foul-smelling honey-like substance from you ears, nose and MORE!

Here are the relevant links:



Here's how you can win an autographed copy along with a refrigerator-art style drawing by ME!

And here's the release event page on Facebook, in case you want to help spread the word in much the same manner this novel will invariably spread your butt (with pleasure).

Thanks 10000% to Rooster Republic Press for putting out this book. And thank you, person reading this, because you're clicking on over to Amazon right now and buying a copy, AREN'T YOU?

~ Danger

Thursday, June 20, 2013

DangerRAMA! Coming Soon!

There's the cover art (front and back) of my soonforthupcoming book DangerRAMA!

In case you can't read the back cover here's what it says:

Ladies and gentleworms, gargoyles and girls – do you have the mettle to step up and peer into the mouth of mayhem, incongruity, shock and perversion? A trio of taint-tingling tales await you between these covers. Your taint will tingle. On your taint. The taint is that area between your balls and asshole, in case you didn’t know. Is it tingling yet? Good. Now let these three twisted novellas forever change your pathetic little life:

KNIGHTS OF THE WHITE CASTLE – An inter-dimensional tale of hamburgers, hubris and science gone mad!

SOMNAMBULANT – Terrorists, movie stars, and blue whales converge in this story about a dude who’s really just trying to get a good night’s sleep.

ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME – A computer malfunction sends a lone astronaut spiraling across the cosmos. Will he save mankind or just masturbate a lot?

That's right. Three new novellas in one nice little package! There is not an "official" release date as of right now, but this book will be available SOON. Sooner than you think. Like, in a week or two. Or three. Who knows. Point is - SOON MUTHAFUCKA! In the meantime here's what you can do to stay informed:

Add DangerRAMA on Goodreads by clicking this link

Visit Rooster Republic Press by clicking this link

Read an interview I did concerning DangerRAMA a few months back with this link

Feel free to 'add' me on Facebook by clicking here 

I'm really excited and very proud of this book and I can't wait for you fine folks out there in internetland to read it.

Thanks e'rrybody!

~ Danger!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Radio Radio Radio!

I'm not going to bury the lead here, people.

This Saturday night (4/20/13) at midnight EST (9 p.m PST) I am going to be doing a LIVE radio interview!

Shawn Misener, the mega-genius behind the bizarro poetry magazine Clutching At Straws has asked me to be a guest on the inaugural episode of Clutching at Straws radio!!!

I'm super excited, somewhat nervous and wholly honored to be a part of this. And it's LIVE so anything can happen. Aliens could attack during the interview. Or, more likely, I'll freeze up like a raccoon on the side of the freeway. Either way, you'll have to tune in to find out.

I will tease you with this - I gave Shawn a list of 10 weird secrets about me. What are they? Well, you'll just have to listen. Find out if I have three balls and two dick or two balls and three dicks. Or no balls and no dicks. Or all balls and all dicks.


Be there or be a parallelogram.

Danger out!

Oh, before you surf on, consider reading the two poetry pieces of mine that ran in Clutching At Straws a year or two back: SHAVE THE WHALES and ODE TO BANANA.

Okay, Danger out for real now.


Saturday, March 9, 2013

A Brat in a Cage!

Hello there!

So I'm sure only a very small fraction of you may be aware of this, but I've just begun a epic quest to watch every Nicolas Cage movie in chronological order.

On the suggestion of my very talented musician friend Shameless Plug, I have decided to chronicle the entire thing at a new blog I set up called Nicolas Uncaged.

Here is the mission statement from that page:

Here's how this blog works:

Step 1 - I watch every single Nicolas Cage movie in chronological order.

Step 2 - I write about it.

Step 3 - Total world domination.

That's it.

So Follow along. Share with your friends. Spread the word. Spread your butt. And get uncaged.

Nicolas Uncaged.

That is all.

~ Danger.

Monday, February 25, 2013


Hey hey hey!

I know you've all missed my short fiction, right? Right?! Jesus, people, you know I need the validation, RIGHT!??!?!??!????!?!???!!!!!!!!!?!

Well, miss it no more! I have a new short story over at Schlock Magazine! And if you ever wanted to read a splatterpunk story about two old grannies playing bingo, then TODAY is your LUCKY DAY!

It's called BINGO NIGHT.

Check it out here!

And be sure to give tribute to the rest of the fantastic fiction that appears in that issue.

Once again BINGO NIGHT!


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Get a Copy of LOVE ME for Free!

When you think of Valentine’s day, what comes to mind?
Anatomically incorrect hearts?
Flower genocide?
Sad masturbation sessions?


This year, instead of wasting your boner on your significant other, get a boner for my book LOVE ME. Why? Because for a limited time only, you can join the Lonely Viking on an existential bizarro quest across the entire world in search of a meaning to life and true love FOR FREE!


Starting today - Weds the 13th and going on through Sunday the 17th, you can download a copy to you Kindle, PC or phone for the price of ABSOLUTELY FUCKIN’ NOTHING!

(Oh, and while you’re at it, download your stinkin’ ass a copy of Eirik Gumeny and Stephen Schwegler’s hilariously violent and overly perverse sci-fi parody book SCREW THE UNIVERSE also for free.)

Do I need to put another link?
Ok, I will.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Next Big Thing!

I rarely update my blog.

There are two reasons for this:

1.) I’m usually too busy working on various writing projects such as not working on any writing projects and playing Assassins Creed 3.

2.) I don’t consider myself a “blogger” so I have no real desire to constantly inundate you with every inane detail about the ridiculously exciting life I live as an obscure-writer-type-guy.

But today things are a bit different. Thanks to Eirik Gumeny - author of the Exponential Apocalypse books (Read them now if you haven’t already. They’re destined to be future cult classics!), founder of my alma mater Jersey Devil Press, and all around hilarious writer/mofo – I have been tagged in The Next Big Thing Blog Chain, which, as you can surmise from the name of it, is a blog chain where I’m going to talk about my next big thing. In this particular case, that would be my next book which I’m finishing up as we speak and should be out in a few months from Rooster Republic Press.

So here’s how it this blog chain works:

Essentially you find some questions below which I’m going to answer. Then at the end I’m going to tag some other writers I like and they’re gonna answer the same questions. Then they’re gonna tag some writers they like to answer the questions. And so on and so on and so on until everyone in the world has said everything there is to be said and there are no more words left unspoken for the remainder of mankinds time in this universe.

Sounds like fun, right? WELL THEN, LET’S GET STARTED!

What is your working title of your book (or story)?

My next book is actually going to be a series of three stand alone novellas that will be all bundled together under a single cover in one nice, little package. Like firewood. Or cigarettes. The actual book doesn’t have a title yet but the three novellas in it are titled as follows:



ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME

Where did the idea come from for the book?

Well, since there are three books in it I guess I’ll run through them all here:

The idea for KNIGHTS OF THE WHITE CASTLE I had several years ago. I was driving past a White Castle and I began wondering why it was called that. I guess this was before everyone had smartphones because otherwise I would’ve just looked it up immediately.

Actually, I think I’m going to look it up right now. Hold please...

...Oh cool. Here's the link to that if you’re interested in the history of White Castle, but let me assure you, it is substantially less entertaining than the rest of my answers to these dumb questions.

Anyway, where was I? Oh right, so I drove by and was wondering why it was called White Castle. Then I drove past a Burger King and Dairy Queen and I just thought it was weird that all these fast food franchises were nominally related to medieval feudalism somehow. So I just took it one step further. One very weird step further.

SOMNAMBULANT was another idea I had years back and I’ll be honest, I have no clue where it came from. It was so long ago. If I had to guess I’d say I was bored at work and thinking about where to find a hiding space where could take a quick nap without getting fired. The story is about a sleepwalker if you haven’t put it together yet. That’s what somnambulant means. Get a dictionary.

ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME is the one that I’m currently working on. I like to listen to music when I write. I put my headphones on and turn it up real loud. I guess some people might find that distracting but I find it helps me fall into the rhythm of writing. Plus it fills in all those awkward moments where I’m staring at my computer screen like mongoloid while I think of what to write next. Me & Me & Me & Me & Me & Me & Me & Me is a more somber tale than the others and the idea came to me while listening to “No Surprises” from Radiohead.

What genre does your book fall under?

Satire. Humor. Bizarro. Sci-fi. Pre-apocalyptic. Schlock. Pervy shit. Fergilcious.

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

You know what? Originally I had picked just one of the novellas and spent an hour sitting on my couch thinking about which actors would play which characters, but in the end, I didn’t like any of my answers. So every character in every novella I would like to be played by Martin Lawrence in varying degrees of crossdressing/fatsuits.

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

Three tales of dumb shit you’ll probably hate.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

An agency? Like the CIA?

Nah. It’s coming out through small-press.

Rooster Republic Press, to be exact. 

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

Each novella is around 15,000 words and the first draft usually takes a around a month. Or two. But that’s the easy part. Trying to make some sort of cohesive story out of 35 pages of rambling pop culture philosophy and bizarro dick jokes? Things get tricky.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

To be a writer you basically are just ripping off other writers smarter than you, then crapping it out and calling the smell your own. In that way this book will be like every book I’ve ever read.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?

Um...well, boredom is always a factor. I had just got fired from my shitty day job and was spending my days watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians on E! That Scott Disick – what a character, amiright? Anyway, about that time I got an email from Etienne DeForest who helps run Rooster Republic Press. My short story “Apple of my iPhone” had just appeared in their last anthology TALL TALES WITH SHORT COCKS 2 (Buy a copy this instant, you assholes!) He was all like “Whatcha workin on now?” And I was like “I had a couple of ideas for these novellas and such.” And he was like “You should turn those ideas into actual stories and perhaps we will publish them.” And I was all like “Well that’d be awesome. I’ll start working on it immediately.”

And by immediately I of course meant after The Kardashians were over.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

I’m tired so if I haven’t done it yet, then I give up.

* * * * * * * *

So there you have it. Now you know all about my new book. OH – the book itself doesn’t have a title yet, so if anyone has any ideas, I would love to hear them. It could be related to the stories themselves or a non sequitur would also work. Remember, there are no dumb suggestions, just dumb people.

So before I sign off let me direct you to the three writers I tagged to participate in the Next Big Thing Blog Chain. Without further a-doo-doo, here they are:

Arthur Graham – writer of the funny, trippy, experimental novel Editorial and the editor of my new as-yet nameless book. He’s very active on Goodreads, so you should probably send him a friend request there and then he can leave hilarious and asinine comments on your book reviews just like he does on mine!

David Wallace Fleming – silky-voiced writer of several volumes of funny short fiction like this one, and this one. He’s also got a sweet audiobook for Not From Concentrate that you can buy. I used to listen to it on my way to work when I had a job I had to drive to. It made my commute much less shitty.

Douglas Hackle – is a writer guy who I don’t believe has a novel out yet, but he fucking should. He has written some of the best short stories I’ve ever read online. Like this one. Did you read it? Holy fuckballs – three sentences in and I was sold. I’ve already pledged my undying allegiance to the Church of Hackle. You should too.

There you have it folks. Have fun. The end.